By: Lisa Springer
Friend #1: I don’t know what I want to read. Something…relaxing, I guess?
Me: How about a nice YA horror-movie-inspired book?
Friend #1: Hmm, that sounds nice. But let’s make it a good one, hey? And bonus points for a POC heroine, and survivors who are not all white. And characters who aren’t completely miserable people all the time.
Me: I have just the book for you.
Friend #2: Guys? Weren’t we talking about reading something relaxing…?
Friend #1: Well—
Me: What’s not relaxing about a bit of blood and gore? About not being able to sleep at night? It’s all included in the book! It’ll be fun.
Friend #1: I do enjoy getting the horror-movie experience without having to watch a horror movie. Oh, and without being chased through my own apartment by a madman, of course.
Friend #2: …
Me: Lots of blood! Lots of violent deaths! Evil baddie who isn’t incapacitated even when he should be writhing in pain!
Friend #1: Yeah!
Friend #2: THIS IS AS BAD AN IDEA AS GOING IN THE BASEMENT!!!!!
Friend #1: Oh, that reminds me. I should check the storage unit in the basement…
Friend #2: For crying out—
Me: Sounds like a plan!
Friend #1: This should be fun.
Friend #2: I am so done with you guys.
So, I know I just posted a review, like, yesterday. but this book was really good and if I didn’t type this up now, I would forget everything. So. Let me just put out some stuff in case anyone wants to read the book, which I hope you do if you love horror. Trigger warnings for: violence, gore, murder, vomiting, torture, forced eating of non-food items, poison, stalking, racism, misogyny. Representation: Noelle is Black, multiple side characters are BIPOC, one side character is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns.
Ok, now that we’re done with that stuff, let’s start this review.
(Movie trailer voice)
Noelle Layne possesses a profound understanding of the horror genre, being well-versed in every trope, warning sign, and survival tactic. She even has a successful movie club dedicated to this genre. Therefore, who could be more suitable to host the most exclusive Halloween party on all of Long Island? With an invitation list that includes the most popular individuals in her senior class, her social prominence is sure to soar, hopefully enough to justify an expansion into podcasting. Additionally, the confirmed attendance of the singer-songwriter Archer Mitchell is the candy corn on top. Nothing is poised to dampen the spirit of her gathering.
Except…perhaps the low-budget It clown she hires to lead a classic round of tag. His intention is to be terrifying, albeit in a comforting, nostalgic way. Unfortunately, the performance gives off serious creeps instead. Nevertheless, Noelle’s adept hosting skills may be the reason. Her confidence takes a blow when the night’s entertainment perpetrates an act of violence against one of her guests. And this is only the beginning. If an evil, murderous clown perceives life as a game, Noelle is ready to play. She has long awaited the opportunity to demonstrate that she is a Final Girl.
(Normal Voice)
Ok, so first off. Why did she hire a clown with no reviews? Come on. This is Gen Z. One does not simply hire some rando off the internet that has no reviews. That just does not happen! But other than that this is a really good book. This is a unique horror book because the characters aren’t stupid. Noelle knows what are some stupid things that the characters do in horror movies. But the Killer Clown was so cruel. He forced a girl to swallow keys from a KEYBOARD and then glued her mouth shut so she couldn’t cough it out! Like, WHAT?! And then he used a hedge trimmer (or was it chainsaw?) and then half-way cut off another girl’s arm. Like at the shoulder. It didn’t even go all the way through! And then, he drilled a hole into a guy’s forehead so it looked like a third eye! Like, that’s so freaking horrifying and that clown is a sick psycho! I cannot imagine even being able to make it through the night. And then the clown threatened to electrocute another party member, but they survived so…. That’s good, I guess. But 4 out of 13 people survive. That clown deserved to die!
(I’m just saying. For the next few paragraphs I’m going to be very pessimistic.) But…
*literally has a condition that causes seizures if someone/something startles me*
oh yeah I’d totally survive a horror movie
Lemme explain. I’m not the most alert person. Like, the way I would die might be very comical. Like, I might not realize that the Killer Clown is outside. it jumps through the door and kills me. The End.
Or, it could be because I’m really bad at hide n seek. Actually, I’m not that bad if I keep an eye on the person who is IT. I’m actually pretty good when I do that. But I could still die from the suspense. Like, I freak out in normal hide n seek. I might go into shock or something if a killer clown is IT. He finds me and i don’t react fast enough and die. The End.
But I could make it halfway though, because I’m really cautious about things like this. Like, I go through (almost) everything that could happen. That could work for a while, but again, I bring up shock. I freak about the smallest sounds and stuff. I think you know where I’m going with this…. The End.
So, there’s a 1-5% chance I’m the last girl and survive. Then, if I saw my friends die in brutal ways, I might go into shock or become mental or something. (If that’s offensive in anyway, I’m so very sorry.) In that case…. The End.
So no happy endings. Great. I really need to start watching more horror movies and have a go bag if this ever happens. If it happens, I could survive. And that brings us to an end. I’ll see you all next time!
XOXO
Aaradhyaa
#HorrorAddict
#horror
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